I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions. I can’t say exactly why—I just don’t bother making them. I don’t really care about other people’s resolutions, so why would I waste time on mine?
The New Year is often viewed as a chance for a fresh start—a clean slate. And while I do celebrate the occasion, I’m more inclined to reflect than resolve.
Living in China, I’m caught between two worlds when it comes to the New Year. The Western New Year and the Lunar New Year. When should I think about a resolution? But beyond the calendar dates, the passing of another year has got me thinking:
Is now the time to quit smoking?
Five years ago, almost to the month, I bought my first packet. I was working in a pub in Mayfair, alongside my degree. I was fresh to the city and full of that cocky, invincible feeling that comes with a new chapter. It was a £10 tip from a customer that set the stage.
I remember the first few puffs. The feeling of euphoria, the coolness and the quiet defiance in each drag. It felt like joining an exclusive club, one where the rules were unwritten but the camaraderie was undeniable, it was when I discovered I could get under-the-table cigarettes for £5. Marlboro red. One pack became two, and two became an addiction. The same Marlboro Reds that Amy Winehouse sings about so much. Something was intoxicating about it. But looking back now, I realise I was rebelling against nothing specific—just the thrill of doing something that felt forbidden for so long. They helped my search for hedonism.
A packet of Marlboro Gold in the UK retails at £15, which is about 150 RMB. In China it retails at £3.50 or 30RMB. I’m even more reluctant to quit as now is probably the best time to keep fucking smoking!
Living in Beijing, I’ve come to understand that smoking here isn’t just a habit—it’s part of the fabric of daily life. It’s a gesture of friendship, a bridge between strangers, an unwilling act of goodwill. It’s ubiquitous. In the alleyways of hutongs, in the air of restaurants and convenience stores —cigarettes are ever-present. It's something I've had to learn to take in, in a culture that's both familiar and foreign to me. I’ve found any excuse to smoke, anytime, anywhere, in any city, at any given hour. They've been there for me more than anything or anyone over the last five years.
Some excuses I have found for a cigarette:
Before my morning coffee
After my morning coffee
When I’m hanging out the washing
When I’m bringing the washing in
When I’m taking out the bins
When I’m walking to buy a pack of cigarettes
When I’m walking back from buying a pack of cigarettes
While waiting for a taxi
In the taxi with the driver
Before entering the subway station
After coming out of the subway station
Because it’s Saturday
Because it’s Sunday
Because it’s Wednesday night
Because it’s Friday night
Because I can
Because smoking looks cool
Because Paul Mescal smokes
Because of that picture of Jake Gyllenhaal in 2004, when he was smoking
Because I’m going to die anyway
The truth is, smoking has become my crutch, and some emotional comfort that’s waited for me on top of fireplaces in Trafalgar Square during heartbreak, it's been there for me during moments of joy and euphoria. It's both sentimental and so fucking silly.
Smoking isn’t just this habit though, it’s something that has been romanticised, both in my mind and in the world around me. It’s in the music I listen to, the films I watch and the memories I make. It’s tied to an image of a version of myself I want to hold on to.
As readers will know, I struggle with the idea of letting it go. So obviously the cigarette is my symbol of freedom and of nostalgia for a time when life felt easier.
Having travelled Asia has opened my mind to Eastern philosophies, to the idea of impermanence and letting go. In the West, we’re taught to fight addictions, to wrestle them into submission. Instead of viewing smoking as something to be quit, I’m trying to look at it as something to let go of. I’m trying to accept that the version of me who smokes doesn’t have to be the version of me forever and just because smoking has been part of my life doesn’t mean it defines me.
But even with this shift in mindset, I still hesitate. The habit feels ingrained in my being, so much a part of my routines and memories that letting go really feels like I will be losing a piece of myself.
Is it time to let go of the cigarette? The answer isn't clear. Maybe I’ll never find the perfect time. Maybe quitting isn’t the point. Maybe it’s about letting go of the need to make everything perfect or dramatic. Maybe it’s about recognising that, like everything else, this habit too shall pass.
As I stub out my last cigarette, I can't help but imagine James Blunt sitting beside me, guitar in hand, around a fire, and these lyrics feel very fitting...
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I love this view and how eastern philosophies have taken your perspective in another direction - I’m trying to quit/cut down myself but those under counter prices are just too good or a cig with a lager or coffee - gotta thank your Hackney apartment for helping me pick up the habit 😅
Another solid piece, hope you manage your goal of letting go of smoking